Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
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