In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
