I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
