omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
