dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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