I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
