dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
