Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
