Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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