I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
if only i could text you this smell
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So much Jack, so little girl.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
