don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
