Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
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its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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