My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
