I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
