No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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