Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
