i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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