My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize