Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
