I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
