This is not my ceiling
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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