after a month anything with tits is on the radar
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
