dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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