3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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