he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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