Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
