Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
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I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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