he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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