I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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