In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
