I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
