Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
