i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I understand Curling. That high.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
