Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
porn star boner night. come get it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
