Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
