i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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