About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
