oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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