your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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