that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues