He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
