That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
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In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
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Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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