i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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