The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
