Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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