I met the friendliest cop last night
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I wish there were birth control emojis
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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