i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
