My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
porn star boner night. come get it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
God I need to hump something, right now.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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