I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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