hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
