I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
