i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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