I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
