paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize