when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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